Being submissive in relationships doesn't mean being silent

1. Intro

I don't see how it can possibly be of benefit to a relationship of a woman remaining silent in the face of decisions of her husband's that she thinks are wrong. The point about letting someone else make decisions is surely that you believe he is capable of making the right ones, of knowing what's best in a particular situation. If he's made a wrong decision, how can you relax in that situation?

Somebody on a yahoo group told me that she didn't think I was submissive at all, and I think perhaps she was right. I honestly cannot imagine ever attaining a degree of submissiveness where if my husband decided something and I really thought it was wrong I would just let it go. That would certainly not make me feel peaceful, it would just agitate me.


Looking For American Single Men. Try these pages:

Meet Males in Georgia

Michigan Males Seeking Girls

North Carolina Guys Ads

NY Guys Online

2. Make a compromise decision

I do not think I would find it relaxing to obey if I wasn't happy to. “There are limits!” as my husband has said to me on more than one occasion. He would be as disturbed as I would if I let him make a decision that I really thought was wrong, and didn't tell him. “Why the hell didn't you tell me?” would, I think, be his response.

What I have found is that my husband can make me feel comfortable with submitting to him, by showing that he cares what I think. He expects me to tell him if I'm not happy with something. Rather than being punished for speaking my mind, I've several times been punished for not speaking my mind. “You're supposed to tell me things!” he points out. He would not appreciate it at all if I took the view that it will be his responsibility to sort out any problems caused by his decisions so I don't need to bother mentioning when I think he's making a mistake. Remaining silent would be rather callous and inconsiderate, I think. And when he makes a decision about an issue on which he knows we differ, I've found he will often make a compromise decision that I am happy to accept before I've even opened my mouth.

Free Dating Men Online

Personals Tennessee

Dating Oregon Male

3. Become more communicative

If I felt that I couldn't tell him when I wasn't happy about something, it would just make me sullen and resentful, whereas instead I feel relaxed about saying what I think. In relationships in which there is an element of control, it is surely all the more important for the person in control to listen to the concerns, opinions and fears of the other.

One of the best things about being in a Taken In Hand relationship, as far as I am concerned, is that it has made it possible for us to be more open and honest with each other, instead of letting resentments build up and explode into rows. If being Taken In Hand meant that I had to do what he wanted all the time without any regard to my own feelings, I don't think it would be a happy situation.

Rather than turning me into a silent, obedient automaton, being in relationsips has made me more communicative – I talk to my husband more than I used to, and tell him things that I never would have in the past. Silent withdrawal used to be something I did frequently – I was a champion at bottling things up – but now I never do that. If being Taken In Hand were about silent submission, it would have increased the tension between us, whereas instead it has diffused it. Being taken in hand doesn't mean being silenced!

4. Being taken in hand should not mean being silent or silen

A shrewish woman who has completely destroyed her husband's self-esteem and emasculated him by constantly correcting and humiliating him for the last 30 years might do well to be a bit more silent on occasion, as suggested by Laura Doyle. The point of that would be for the woman to stop controlling and correcting her husband, to give him a chance to take the reins.

But in a relationship, the man is in control, and as I said in the teaser on the front page, a man in control would be wise to ensure that his woman feels ‘heard’. In my opinion, accepting a man's authority should not mean ceasing to have a voice in the relationship. If only one mind were doing the necessary thinking and problem-solving, the other would be superfluous.

I think it is important to remember that we are all fallible human beings, and as such, we all make mistakes, including men, and we all have human fears and wishes that can't just be discounted. The man might well make all the decisions; the woman might well be expected to try to obey even; but I think it would be expecting too much of any human woman to require her to keep her fears, concerns, and wishes to herself. I should have thought that the more control there is, the more important it is for the man to encourage the woman to tell him her opinions, wishes, objections, and fears. This kind of relationship should mean more communication, not less, I think.

Off topic side note: Louise, I had to chuckle when I read this:

Somebody on a yahoo group told me that she didn't think I was submissive at all, and I think perhaps she was right.

This is exactly the thought a number of other women have had. I think your post nicely illustrates why some of us occasionally wonder if “submissive” is a good label to put on ourselves. From one POV, wanting a man's control implies that we are, but there are so many things the word can mean that do not fit.

Boys Daters in Maryland

NJ Men Seeking Dating

Kentucky males Personals

MS Men Online Ads

Single IN Men

5. Being submissive


I wonder about the meaning of the word too. I do not know how else to describe the feeling I get when, for instance, my husband brings me out of a bad mood with just a word or a look, I find it difficult to think of any other way to describe the way I respond to him in that situation other than 'submissive'. Likewise the way I feel about doing things I don't particularly care for but that I know will give him pleasure, like cleaning things or wearing the silly underwear that he likes, doing those things makes me feel very strongly submissive.

But there is a lot of stuff I wouldn't do, and perhaps that means I'm not submissive. I wouldn't obey him if he asked me to do something that I really hated the idea of doing. I feel that everyone, no matte how submissive, must have limits. Someone wrote in an article about how she would let her husband tell her what she could eat, for instance, but I feel that there are probably certain things that she wouldn't eat. And even Polly Peachum would, I feel, probably have said 'no' had her Master told her to put her cat in the microwave and fry it.

Missouri Sexy Guys

Oklahoma Guys Ads

Dating Nevada Men Near Me

Pennsylvania Men Online

6. Learning to behave properly in a relationship is a good i

I think you are a good example of someone who is submissive, is turned on by your husband's show of authority, but most definitely has her own mind and has limits.

This doesn't exclude you from being submissive except according to the oneupmanship "more submissive than thou" game some people play.

Everyone, but everyone, has limits. That goes for the men also. The reason some are able to claim they have no limits is that they have found themselves a relationship with a dominant man who has the SAME limits.

So if he is equally turned off by whipping you till you bleed as you are at the thought of experiencing that, you might think there are no limits. The same goes for other more edgy areas of S & M...or for being told what to eat for dinner and what clothes to wear.

When someone suggests something that is beyond the woman's limits, that is where the woman, with every right to do so, says No.

Well, Sarah, actually, one partner's mind might not be necessary in a very one-sided relationship..just her warm and available body might be enough. But clearly that isn't what most women aspire to being. And if they care about the relationship and where it is going they will speak up if the husband is making a huge mistake.

As for shrews, just like any other bully, male or female, learning to behave properly in a relationship is a good idea.

Rubrieken: 6

Links: 0